Postmodernists Are The Worst People

Why did the chicken cross the road?

• Plato: For the greater good.
• Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
• Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
• Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
• B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
• Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
• Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
• Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
• Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
• Epicurus: For fun.
• Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
• Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
• Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.
• Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.